The Auswine Forum

Hector Lannible's latest epistle is below. A much, much longer version of this assembly of acronyms, business claptrap and peculiar imagery is at my blog [url]https://sweetworldwines.com[/url].

Stoney Goose Ridge EOFY report 2019-2020
It’s been a unique challenging year for Stoney Goose Ridge. Smothered by intrusive legislation, I am committed to derail this black hole of bureaucratic red tape.

In my role as CEO, the “E” encompasses Evangelist, Explorer, and Entrepreneur, with every employee empowered to access my guidance, and trailblazing ideation. My stewardship eradicates supply impediments to balance the sales trajectory of our product cornucopia. That’s the bedrock of our roadmap in a nutshell.

Terroir-centric blending wizardry is critical to Stoney Goose Ridge, relying on my authoritative nuanced organoleptic proficiency. My lean personal support crew deserve special accolades for actioning my incisive brainstormed insights with axiomatic alacrity.

We released the Miraculus Maximus Technoplex®, our antidote to “natural wines”, and the Black- the biggest, brawniest, red wine conceivable. Our heartland customer base continues their fanatical loyalty with existing and new Stoney Goose Ridge lifestyle beverage produce.

We surpassed SEO, SEM and other metrics through traditional, digital and social platforms. Our holistic grasp of customer wallet-share is unparalleled. Stellar cost-cutting ensures outgoings are deferred to the maximum; our unwavering laser focus on operational solidarity attained 6-sigmoid altitudes. Appropriate weighting also applied to ESG; our legal armada’s reputation as bottom-feeding hyenas unprecedented in jurisprudential circularity.

Stoney Goose Ridge garnered awards for advertising tensility, brand narrative, cyber portal stickiness, AI resonance, and goodwill intangible monetization. ARPU per SKU UOM uplifted, with P&L SGARA (EBITS) fundamentals tracking to be colossal.

COVID was the black sheep dinosaur in the room. The tentacles of this bombshell had potential effects. My planning ensured our growth manifesto was not corralled, and my obfuscatory masstige premiumisation meta-strategy was wholly validated. Residual upside in the silver clouds in the icing of the cake of the COVID lining allowed harvesting unsolicited strategic infrastructure in windfall firesale bloodbaths.

Travel restrictions meant more 24/7 time for stakeholder networking, leveraging every sub-atomic particle of tax relief, subsidy, abatements, waivers, and sustenance from all layers of Government.

New staff are immersed in our magnetic cultural fabric and we nurture the Ninja potential of our workforce; in-house opportunities include access to my osmotic mentorship. Personnel was enhanced by discarding headcount via regular appraisal triage. My fully-vested STI bonus package jackpot was justifiably luxuriant.

The bandwidth of our post-modern portfolio basket is matchless. Designs are advanced for metamorphosis in reduced alcohol, lower-carb, ciders, kombucha, spritzers, pre-mixed, flavour-enhanced, vitamin-enriched, plus alternative packaging materials, as well as our vinous, spirituous and hop-based alcoholised potions. This tsunami of looming launches is intricately embedded in the pipeline.

Raise an invigorating glass of Stoney Goose Ridge and celebrate - buckle in, and commit to my motivational prowess. Team, the rest - if any- depends on the unstinting execution of your shoulders, heads, hands, and hearts.

Charismatically, Hector Lannible.

Hector Lannible's latest rant is below. An extended version of this business drivel, hyperbole, self-adulation and odd imagery is at my blog at [url]https://sweetworldwines.com.[/url]

Half year report from Stoney Goose Ridge
We have reached 2021. Our financials remain spectacularly rock-solid; surveyed staff report Invigorated team engagement 24/7 with full focus, and unstinting praise for the calibre of top management.

Meanwhile, our rivals’ overt incompetent mismanagement, plus COVID seismic headwind disruptions greatly assist the unparalleled Stoney Goose Ridge growth trajectory mission.

For several years, our country’s institutions fixated on luring international students and imagined this windfall expansion would continue. The chickens have come home to roost, like rabbits in the headlights, leaving management with egg on their red faces. Demonstrating pedestrian inertia, their belated – meaningless – headline strategy is to “pivot”.

They hypocritically seek life support subsidies to alleviate their inept “strategies”, squealing about their former economic contribution and bemoaning damage to their precious communities. The mouthpieces have lost their credibility foothold leaving big shoes to fill. We hope assorted Government entities are not gulled yet again by these parasitic PR advocates and lobbyists.

I am completely sympathetic and compassionate for the casualties of corporate greed and bungling; survivors are worthy of our care and support – but their senior management merits derision and lifelong exile from leadership.

Other businesses repositioned to exploit niches based on inbound tourism. They do not deserve to be propped up. These companies should have focussed on their lifeblood knitting instead of the artwork of business cards, advertising in foreign-language vehicles, and elaborate web paraphernalia.

Stoney Goose Ridge is virtuosic at exploiting support schemes; we abhor ad-hoc white-board special supplementary arrangements based on megaphone diplomacy and subliminal blackmail.

Winewise, consumers will benefit through firesales from companies desperate for cashflow. The companies don’t care that wine has been “tweaked” (aka sweetened) for export. The use-by date looms for their inventory bloat. When our antennae decoded and translated whispers, we rapidly diverted stocks to various insatiable export markets just in time to avoid disruptions.

And Stoney Goose Ridge has capacity to expand our footprint, to maximise the commercialisation opportunities by offering pitiful payments to our ham-fisted rivals for swathes of stock. We thrive on volatility, fully leveraging the pipeline of interested mandates.

Our customers remain happily cemented into lifestyle category relationships.

Attention now focuses on the cascade of launches of iconic innovative brand extensions. New products are waiting in the wings just around the corner on the horizon. Vintage has started, and “best ever” is our mantra, regardless of climate or circumstances.

I look forward to another year of success, and proper reward for my fulsome endeavours.

Inspirationally yours into 2021, Hector Lannible

Hector Lannible's latest epistle is below. An extended version of this business rubbish, hyperbole, self-aggrandisement and mixed metaphor is at my blog at [url]https://sweetworldwines.com[/url].

Stoney Goose Ridge EOFY results 2021
It’s been a year of consolidation for Stoney Goose Ridge. We continue to deliver joy to our growing cohort of enthusiastic consumers, our alcoholised portfolio suite providing a real buzz. Under my inspirational stewardship, we smashed targets on margin, profit, customer stickiness and all social media measures. Further, with Bitcoin, in technical parlance, we made “a motza”.

I don’t blame COVID and the massive tariffs imposed by China for market difficulties. However, the hopelessly myopic antics of our competitors dumping their bloated wine inventories did not help. Adept in brand trashing and customer loyalty damage, they initiated a price war in a race to the bottom. Stoney Goose Ridge does not participate in this value destruction.

The only new product launched this year was our “found” whisky Glen 20. We had sufficient complications sourcing quality material to match the growth of our many other wine, beer and spirit brands to meet the insatiable appetite of our hyperloyal customer base. Mind, we have enormous plans for the coming year with a veritable tsunami in the pipeline!

Stoney Goose Ridge remains an exemplar in the utilisation of low-tax domiciles and our absolute exploitation of COVID business subsidies.
I have participated in fewer seminars this year; Zoom is not the most appropriate medium to display my sublime networking wizardry. COVID thus ensured greater availability for relentless hands-on mentoring of my local top talent.

Like most staff, COVID has impacted my home life too; my daughter’s ballet and equestrian dressage interests were restricted; my son’s yachting and marlin fishing challenged; my wife’s charity routines severely curtailed. We did not go to Aspen or the Seychelles this year, having to economise with short glamping breaks in Broome, Noosa and Port Douglas.

Our liquor rivals’ inarticulate PR-led keywords of “pivot”, “premiumisation” and “transitioning” made me vomit. Apart from their public bleatings, these “leaders” are on the back foot trying to keep their ships flying under the radar. Shareholder revolt is overdue to abandon these pedestrian bunglers and tackle their undeserved exorbitant remuneration and unmerited bonuses.

The corporate jet has been used less; its pilots and my drivers had to share in less glamorous essential business tasks. Many staff were required to work from home; thankfully our collaborative software and sophisticated realtime online tracking ensured rigorous compliance to KPI responsibilities. Nevertheless, the bonus pool was diluted by circumstances, and only superhuman efforts such as my own can be rewarded. This will be explained forcefully in looming performance appraisals for staff that survived the periodic position culls. Challenging new targets will be confirmed, and maximum exertion required.

Your esteemed leader through paradigm upheavals, Hector Lannible

The latest release is below. The "extended play" is at [url]https://sweetworldwines.com/[/url].

Stoney Goose Ridge releases “the Ponzi”
It’s been a long time to introduce new drinks from Stoney Goose Ridge. Blame it on Covid, blame it on China, blame it on the boogie, but such is life. The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest. So it goes.

Most wine production costs are incurred upfront; land, trellising, rootlings, water, pesticides, picking, making, storage, bottling, packaging, and the funds necessary to make this investment. The end-product makes the journey worthwhile, and even then, it needs to be sold. Fortunately, there are select people with portions of my munificent talent, and occasionally even some of our competitors’ wines can approach the excellent pedigree of entry-level Stoney Goose Ridge throughput.

I celebrate how businesspeople through the ages have nurtured their fortunes, in the true spirit of financial entrepreneurship. How often in business life are there situations where there is growth in sales, assets, profits, and yet transient cash flow issues? One way forward is by soliciting loans and reinvesting in the progress and advancement of the company.

The true vinous innovators are not the viticulturalists, winemakers, or the chemists. Yes, we are grateful for glass bottles, seals, vats, presses, and harvesting tools. But the most important artisans are those with finance calculations in their headlights.

The wonderfully inventive Ponzi (pyramid schemes) consume the payments of later investors to reimburse earlier contributors. Mathematically, it doesn’t work in the long run. Those at the top of the tree skim as much as feasible. The typical cross-web of related party transactions, and lavish sponsorship of sporting clubs seems innate. Whistle-blowers (aka “disgruntled employees”) are ostracised. Years later, after the companies are shredded, cases are launched to retrieve damages from entities with no assets, with little penalty for the perpetrators due to their previously distinguished unblemished career, community service, advanced age, ill-health, the stress of delays of proceedings, sincere remorse etc.
Stoney Goose Ridge has no tolerance these shameful activities. Our prime mission is to increase the well-being of the fanatical imbibers of our assorted alcoholic beverages. Supporting the whistle-blowers of our competitors and obsessive follow-up through regulators is a tribute to our moral and ethical diligence.

I am thusly proud to launch The Ponzi, a wine destined to ascend the podium to the pantheon of Stoney Goose Ridge brands.
The Ponzi is made from carefully blended Italianate varietals, including portions of Aglianico, Barbera, Corvina, Dolcetto, Montepulciano, Nebbiolo, Nerello Mascalese, Nero, and Sangiovese, grown in a multiplicity of regions. My masterly personal attention resulted in a wine that left the team astonished at my unrelenting nano-detailed prowess.

Expect a typical cavalcade of monumental flavour; authentic savoury terroir-derived attributes, showcasing black Doris plum and Bickford lime cordial, an iron fist in a velvet glove, finishing with a peacock’s tail - suitable for most repasts.

The front label image of The Ponzi is licenced from Joseph Banksy, a true artist who has overcome personal adversity with addictions, mental frailties, and other struggles I will not mention out of concern for his wellbeing.

Hurry to your concierge to reserve your exclusive tranche of liquid assets, as stocks are strictly limited. The certificate of authenticity for every case of individually numbered bottles, magnums, jeroboams, and larger formats carries the personal signature of Stoney Goose Ridge CEO Hector Achilles Lannible.

Latest piece of narcissism, bizarre imagery and business bafflement is on my blog (and three times longer) [url]https://sweetworldwines.com.[/url]

Stoney Goose Ridge end of 2021 half-year review
A great year! The bean-counters have finished their GL P&L minutiae. New markets, new products, and meeting the insatiable growth demands of our hyper-loyal customer base kept me at agile warp-speed.

Again, the tranche of awards for marketing campaigns, cutting edge design, motivational leadership, and financial innovation stewardship had a monumental uptick.

Stoney Goose Ridge doesn’t participate in wine and spirit shows where “every child wins a prize” or entertain scribes with lavish junkets. Incessant fanatical praise from consumers is our key reward.

Sales, EBITDA, NPS, ESG, ROA, NAV, and social media metrics were satisfactory, apart from failures by personnel to meet targets. Those underlings are no longer with Stoney Goose Ridge.

My magnetic personality was somewhat blunted without face-to-face meetings - Zoom and Teams a dull substitute. Relentless emailed demands to the workforce, reinforced with blistering texts and calls succeeded.

Stoney Goose Ridge has not succumbed to the “celebrity booze” fad. Few can withstand scrutiny of past escapades and attitudes, irrational texts, tweets, and images. Our social media influencers survived a 106-question checklist. Stoney Goose Ridge will not produce the salacious records from rejected aspirants- except under court orders – unless in the public interest.

Stellar wines appear under the DRC label (Decisive Real Champions); we released the luxury blue-chips Chateau Margot, Chateau Shovel Blanc, Chateau Angela’s, Chateau Lapin, Clos de Bees, Hill of Graci, and one wine from Henry Jaya- (Clos Parasol).

DRC wines are the true showcase expression of their micro-terroir, paying exceptional homage to historical antecedents – awash with innovative artwork plus blockchain protections.

Despite adding lustre to Stoney Goose Ridge as a renowned global icon brand, the DRC range is an infinitesimal volume of our torrential innovative array of wines, beers, spirits, ciders, spritzers etc - our lifeblood bread-and-butter staples. A glittering range of transubstantiated beverage creations will unleash in 2022, to fundamentally disrupt our rivals’ apple-carts. For them, I promise tantrums, blood, sweat and tears.

Stoney Goose Ridge is lavishly blessed by self-immolation from our competitors. Apart from panic, their speeds are slow, very slow and stop. Addicted to OTT FOMO and unable to STFU, their utterances and scribbles are suitable only for anthologies of business ineptitude. Long may their reign continue!

In the festive break, I will scrutinise competitors with meagre cashflow, excess inventory etc. Stoney Goose Ridge takes maximum advantage when we smell blood, and we snapped up assets at subterranean bargain-basement rates. My family can plan sensible holidays – perhaps Cannes, Broadway shows, or ski-ing in Switzerland - feasibly all - plus short breaks at Thredbo, Rottnest, and Cradle Mountain.

Nearly a handful of staff achieved a bonus. This rare honour is a tribute to their endeavours under my omnipresent supervisionary oversight and stimulation.

My lean team of PA’s, media, archivist, biographer, stylists etc loosely met their base KPIs of “turn up, keep up and shut up.” They are continually thrilled, absorbing my hands-off mentoring. Direct reports and staff spontaneously mentioned my inspirational catalytic galvanisation capabilities, anticipating the starter’s gun with a monkey-wrench, thereby short-circuiting our opposition.

Finally, management consultants recommended tripling and backdating my base remuneration with a commensurate increase in my potential bonus.

Gather with family, and any friends to raise a glass of enticing mildly intoxicating Stoney Goose Ridge – in drinkwise moderation – to celebrate the year’s glorious achievements under my exemplary leadership.

Buckle in for the tightrope ride of 2022, a whirlwind roller-coaster awaits!

Your legendary, generous CEO, Hector Lannible.

Latest whimsy and self-aggrandizement is on my blog (and much longer) https://sweetworldwines.com. A prettier version is at [url]https://fake-booze.com/column/hector-lannible-heavyweight/[/url]

A wine worth the weight
As CEO of a global beverage company, every day has challenges – which I, Hector Lannible, broadcast to my staff at all hours, 24/7. Truly, my KPI intangibles are off the chart.

Recently Jancis Robinson found a full wine bottle that weighed 2.043 Kg. My instant reaction was ‘That’s ridiculous’ and ‘surely we can do better!’

Many people believe impressively heavy wine bottles are a guarantee of inherent quality, so I initiated yet another inspirational venture. I settled on the noblest variety: Cabernet Sauvignon – the undisputed King of Grapes – which I masterfully synergised with Nebbiolo – a rival King.

100% new oak barrique maturation, especially substantial glass bottles, extra-long Diam cork, the wax canopy, and the impressive, embossed label all add lustrous icing to the cake. Our wine stands alone.

When full, our new bottle weighs almost 2.5Kg, a 20% uptick and a giant progressive leap. Truly, we’ve set the hurdle at a new pinnacle for any vinous wannabe copycats. And that’s not counting the sustainably harvested timber presentation case.

It’s sure to attract specious objections on so-called “environmental” grounds. As if depriving consumers of freedom of choice helps the aspirational economic paradigm! That horse has firmly bolted from the starting blocks.

Stoney Goose Ridge takes its ESG obligations sanctimoniously, and is absolutely committed to the onboarding scoping process of its fungible MOU sustainability jurisdiction.

Our newest remarkable product is ground-breaking, and innovative. It stands alone as an outlier. Prodigious, and unchallenged. Olympian - World Heavyweight Champion™.

Pricepoint- wise, it is pitched within reach of memorabilia collectors, and fine wine aficionados. Plus it tastes great.

Long may this champion reign!

2020 Stoney Goose Ridge World Heavyweight Champion™ Cabernet-Nebbiolo.
RRP €60, £50.22, HK$531, $68US, $128AUS

A slightly longer version is on my blog at https://sweetworldwines.com/.

I (Hector Lannible) am constantly approached by the assorted press - gutter and otherwise- seeking my profound wisdom on the world of alcohol. Let me settle one controversial wine topic once and for all.

NOB - (Natural, Organic, Biodynamic) – hipster voodoo nonsense, or planet-saving healthiness?

No-one can deny trends in the wine industry. Huge strides have been made in grapegrowing, winemaking and, of course, marketing. We know all about getting the “right varieties in the right places,” old vines, and the cult of auteur winemakers.

Lately we’ve seen growing customer distrust of industrialisation; a desire for intimacy and diminished manipulation. For the story behind the wines. For doing more with less.

And the makers of these nouvelle vague wines often proudly boast they carry no winemaking qualifications, no vineyard or winery. Every wine is more honest, more compelling, and more rewarding than tricked up soulless mass-market wine products.

Critics might describe the NOB market as virtue-signalling, sandal-wearing, vegan tree-huggers with electric SUV’s. But these people are missing the key benefit of natural wine.

We can get it into the market quickly, and at a premium price.

Cashflow is king! Why bother to make “proper” sparkling wine, with years of maturation when you can whip out “prosecco” in a few months. And a “pet-nat” can grace the shelves mere weeks after harvest?

And, of course, Stoney Goose Ridge could not ignore the lucrative sales, margins, brand-building and resultant boost to my bonus.
Our first lo-fi, hands-off “orange wine” Hipster’s Reward®, laid waste to somms, and customers across several continents, smashing sales records. Our selected winemaking ambassadors fronted the media – with minders - flaunting their beards, tattoos, and piercings. Non-male winemakers too.

It was a runaway success, where our only key problem was making more!

Organic and biodynamic wines often have annoying and laborious certification processes, with competing authorities, and ambiguous rules. This is ideal for Stoney Goose Ridge! We claim to abide by the principles but see no need to be hamstrung by red-tape stifling innovation.

And we are sensitive to feedback, with our massed lawyers always eager to issue writs for defamation, with corrective and humbling apologies and punitive damages sought.

At Stoney Goose Ridge, we are indifferently agnostic to unquantifiable customer beliefs. We proudly cater for all market matrices that provide momentum-bursting growth and profitability metrics

Press Release: EnormoWine announces bid for Stony Goose Ridge

EnormoWine has this morning announced an open market bid for Stony Goose Ridge, with a plainly transparent pricing mechanism, being 1/4 of a crypto basket token, 1.25 B-shares of EnormoWine, and a coupon for a 5% discount, for every 6.35 shares in Stony Goose Ridge.

While EnormoWine has endeavoured for some time to negotiate with Stony Goose Ridge, regretfully this approach has not been dealt with by the Stony Goose board in an open and appropriate manner. Despite the lack of engagement, the management and board of EnormoWine recommend that shareholders of Stony Goose Ridge accept this offer.

While Stony Goose Ridge is in possession of significant brand equity and incredible properties in terms of its head space with consumers, it is failing to synergise holistically its intangibles, which in the broader ownership of EnormoWine would be achieved within a single reporting period with an entirely accretive impact to the combined entity earnings base.

EnormoWine believes that divergent objectives have led management of Stony Goose to pursue strategies which are at odds to the goals of shareholders, and this has been dilutive to their value outcome. As such, EnormoWine believes the offer made today represents a full and fair value and presents a clear path into a more value maximal future.

Questions may be directed to the PR firm of Dark, Shady and Partners.

=== End

Apologies, I couldn't resist

A (much) longer version is on my blog at https://sweetworldwines.com/.

CEO of Stoney Goose Ridge - Hector Lannible’s EOY wrap of 2022 staff message
It is fortunate that the ineptitude of my competitors is astonishing. Their leaders and boards would achieve better results if replaced by sacks of potatoes - I could carve a banana with a stronger spine. If you can’t cut the mustard, move to higher ground. Feathering their nests by milking their conflicts of interest. Their annual reports nonsensical prolix exemplars of self-serving hagiographic masterclasses in corporate doublespeak. Next step is replacing their press release puff-pieces of tripe via ChatGPT – if they are even aware. Their leadership excels in having much to be humble and modest about, bleating as they suffer the swings and harrows of outrageous fortune. What you see is all there is (WYSIATI).

When the China boom was lowered on their wine basket of nest-eggs, our competitors had to “pivot.” But changing horses midstream is a double-edged sword of Damocles. My cold, cold heart bleeds for our rivals- NOT.

Anyway, if through blind luck, nepotism or payola, a competitor’s beverage offers become successful, we have always been ready to expose the unethical or morally dubious antics of their brand ambassadors, thus eviscerating their labels - the inevitable consequence BOGOF offers and inventory write-downs. Or we create meaningful customer alternatives – such as Jason’s Creek, Cottage hill, Moister Bay, Black Rabbit, Shoeless, Gecko Falls, 16 Flames and Mellow Tale. Such is life, so it goes.

To my disappointment, there have been no new wine brands released from Stoney Goose Ridge since early last year with our record-breaking World Heavyweight Champion™. But here it comes.

We used Intercontinental blending material (ICBM) so Merlot from Bordeaux, Cabernet from China, and Carmenere from Chile, fully capturing the essence of their organic terroirs, and biodiversity paradigm. And surprisingly, no component from Australia. As the premiere release, it was initially evaluated as ICBM #1. Appropriately, this uniquely revolutionary, ground-breaking contemporary concept is labelled “the Hype.” It comes with the usual proprietary QR, AR and a plethora of security devices to help further protect the iconic form of the Stoney Goose Ridge brand, prevent dilution from unauthorised copies and serve as a precedent across jurisdictions. Focus group participants begged to purchase the wine - for amounts well beyond its market tariff - as its sensuous aromatics, and sublime structural finesse flabbergasted their gustatory experiences.

Stoney Goose Ridge always wants its products to be available for our true hyper-dedicated fans, and it’s priced at AU$ 38, NZ$ 41, US$ 26, GB£ 21 and €24. 2021 The 2021 HYPE is available from select outlets from 20 February, and of course via our multi-award-winning website.
And what a stunningly luminous collectable trompe-l’oeil label! The EOI for the 3D NFTs surge.

Your motivational icon, Hector A Lannible

I couldn't make it shorter! A (much) longer version is on my blog at https://sweetworldwines.com/.

Momentous archaeological discovery will rewrite history
Professor Albert Pedant (PhD) hosted a packed press conference in Jerusalem on April 1, 2023.

“I lead investigations at various sites including Khirbet Qana (Cana), in Israel. Although sporadically excavated since 1871, ground-penetrating radar revealed small underground pockets.

This cavity had surviving mudbrick and timber walls and the “hero” find was one ceramic pot. The contents - eleven litres of wine- had not evaporated but had been preserved by a cover of straw, and olive oil, further protected by the constant temperature and humidity underground.
Dating methods showed the pot was around two thousand years old. Its glaze, patterns, and colours were consistent with specimens from AD 10 - AD 50.

The storeroom also contained seeds, papyrus, charcoal, and fabric fragments. Two badly-damaged low-value Roman coins were found, and tests of underlying images and metallic composition were valid. Radiocarbon dating methods on the parchment and cloth yielded similar results. Sadly, fingerprints and DNA were unable to be detected.

Experts tasted the vessel’s contents knowing only its age of “several centuries”. Comments included “remarkable, ethereal, haunting”. Informed the wine was over one thousand years old, all agreed its quality was sublime. “It’s the oldest wine I have ever sampled” said Hector Lannible (CEO of beverage behemoth Stoney Goose Ridge) “not just a curio – it has memorable qualities”.

What makes the Cana find unique?
The wine in the amphora is the oldest drinkable sample ever found.

New Testament states (John 2:1-11 and apocrypha) Jesus was a wedding guest. After the wine ran out, he turned the contents of six water pots into wine. Is the Cana wine Jesus’ first miracle?

There have been numerous scams, fraud and fakes involved with alleged biblical material. Relics include numerous bones, foreskins, multiple crowns of thorns, nails, pieces of the Cross, lances, shrouds and the grail. I have been consulted on artefacts allegedly owned or used by the child or adult Jesus (toys, including wooden marbles, carved animals, sandals, dice, furniture, even impossibilities such as a hula hoop)!

But now for something completely different. The storeroom’s provenance is established; undisturbed, verified by a variety of methods as around 2000 years old- the wine’s existence is unparalleled. To, summarize, it is not definitely proven the wine was created by Jesus; but it is beyond reasonable doubt that finding this wine intact at Cana is extraordinary.

Security at the dig site was ramped up, to deter theft, vandalism, overcrowding, attacks by religious extremists, drones, and so on.
Israeli Government reaction

This is a national, and international treasure. Forthcoming academic publications will spur a total rewrite of history. For some, it verifies the literal existence of Jesus and confirms his divine ability; for others, it’s merely finding some old wine in a long-abandoned township.

I personally informed Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. Within the coalition Government, there were views that the discovery should be suppressed, as it could inflame religious tensions within the Middle East – and elsewhere.

Thankfully, the wisdom of science, political courage, history and academic freedom prevailed.

And what now?
The Antiquities Bureau of Cana (ABC) will
- Ensure the safety and integrity of the artefacts
- Prioritise academic study submissions
- Determine how pilgrims can view the artefacts (or replicas)

Questions can be submitted to the ABC - the definitive, and only channel that can respond officially.

Finally, I, Albert Pedant, am thrilled to have been an active participant in this extraordinary “miracle at Cana”.

Unabridged, as this piece is relatively short.

Two new releases from Stoney Goose Ridge, which were quietly gestating on the backburner. Now, even more marquee products will light up the runway, and satisfy our want-it-now, get-it-now (WINGIN) customers.

Adding to our amazing range of cocktails - based on a blend of vodka and tequila with a tinge of red from cherry, tomato and raspberry: a revolutionary radical creation, with a fiery kick – the Molotov. In a handy re-usable container.

And a wine with a fascinating backstory - one that an employee tried to keep secret during its genesis, until inevitably I discovered it. My spreadsheet prowess found some almost imperceptible anomalies, and a snap on-site audit led to the immediate dismissal of the culprit. Civil action for fraud will follow with inevitable financial detriment for the former staff member with punitive earnings garnishees sought. All inadvertently associated with this enterprise in any fashion have been counselled and disciplined in extremis.

I had to stage an heroic nuanced intervention to significantly improve the wines inherent magical character. Because of its dubious origins, Stoney Goose Ridge sacrifices this wine to avoid a backdoor fire sale. Now be thankful.

2021 Stoney Goose Ridge Bin 666 Vintage fortified Touriga/tempranillo/durif
It’s a devil-may-wine. Dark and monstrous, with a deep black massive soul, with burning fiery (heads) spirit. Best left in a dark place, or consumed while reading Aleister Crowley or HP Lovecraft, while listening to Santana’s supernatural, Credence’s Pagan Baby, Grateful dead, Black Sabbath, or any other faustian heavy grindcore gothic death metal. Or watching the Exorcist, Angel Heart, or the Seventh Seal. Very Limited release in selected areas. I put a spell on you. Ageless, irresistible, tempting. RRP $88.88

CEO, Hector Lannible

A longer version is on my blog, which I'm sure you are clever enough to find

Stoney Goose Ridge EOY round-up 2022-23
Another year is over, with another well-deserved bonus for me. In fact, several employees also received small remuneration supplements after my distribution dwindled the incentive pool.

Meanwhile, recent wine vintages have been difficult. But the tide has gone out and we can see the finish line downstream. As ever, our competitors are awash in financial morasses, ethical scandals and gropethink. Conflict of interest is an unknown concept, as they wallow in related-party interest-free loans and outrageous share incentives. Stoney Goose Ridge vigorously highlights these disgraceful shortcomings to media, courts, and Governments - inaction on these overt transgressions is clearly due to nepotism and corruption.

Meanwhile at Stoney Goose Ridge, cashflow, customers and margins remain king! My team is wheeling and dealing 24/7, augmented by my magisterial managerial and marketing mentorship.

Our rolling recruitment program (Project Android) fills inevitable vacancies due to wastage, attrition and footprint expansion in our high-talent pool. We head-hunt in all glamour areas – taxation minimisation, legals, accounting and financial analysis, data mining, sales motivation, social media freneticism - even mundane beverage fabrication and nurturement. Project Medusa has successfully tarnished the image of “celebrity brands”, exposing their shameful peccadilloes, legal battles and infamous photos, videos, tweets and cover-ups.

New releases
We extend our DRC (Decisive Real Champions) range. This is – yet another - of my passion projects. The following wines will be progressively released over the coming twelve months when I deem marketing conditions are apposite.

o Clos de la Rocks
o Clos de Tar
o Clos du Marky
o Chateau Hugh Bryan
o Chateau la lagoon
o Chateau Leo’s Villa las Casa
o Domaine D Jack
o Paul Rodger (only col fondo at this stage)
o Quinta do Novel
o Seeming Legal
o Vega sans Silica
o Blass Phillip
o Hill of grass
o Mount Marty

What a sublime collection! Labels are embossed with respectful and entirely legal homage by the celebrated artiste Binksy, with the wines truly expressing their natural micro and macro sub-terroir characters, under fully sustainable biogeneric principles.

These DRC wines are in minuscule quantities, destined for our extreme high-rolling net worth whale collectors - financiers, oligarchs and so forth; members of our exclusive 88 club.

Branding and diversity update
Adventure afar (AA), celebrates our retargeted strategic global premiumisation thematic, with omnichannel touchpoints. Media partners and our global customer audience adore this refreshed conceptual vitality framework plus its adjacency synergies defined across the metaverse.
Stoney Goose Ridge is exclusively disruptive and inclusive, expanding our respected x-culture generational power brand, transcending beverage categories, catering for the rising value category of the Luxuriant culture pioneer. The halo of our premium luxury icons brandlines transcendently cascades through other fully balanced price-point ecosystem categories.

Our social media impact is gargantuan, almost as stunningly impressive as our carbon-neutral green offset aspirational framework principles.

I am proud of our diversity. We have a startling range across full-time, part-time and casual employees, and commission-only – with wide-spread age-ranges. We have direct employees, contractors, agents and consultants. We have a range of academic qualifications. Salaries, wages, entitlements and bonuses are extremely disparate. Personnel have mixed ethnic, demographic, linguistic and supplementary characteristics. Staff private, personal lives are supported provided they never interfere with their agreed committed contractual KPI obligations.

We only lack diversity in talent. We demand all levels entirely execute their deliverables. Staff can join our infamous up-skilling in-house development programs. Further, all personnel know they have access to my Holmesian problem-solving skills, experiential omnipotence, communication excellence and unfailing intuition.

Conclusion
My favourite question? How quickly can you increase my allocation of Stoney Goose Ridge?
Your revered hyper-aggressive leader, Hector Lannible

and here's more (with the really long version on my blog - go hunting)

Stoney Goose Ridge triumphs
Recently Stoney Goose Ridge launched several epic, iconic releases sourced from Italy.

The 2020 Stoney Goose Ridge NFI went ballistic, selling like gang-buster hot cakes. Made from Nero d’avola, Freisa and Inzolia, this innovative non-DOC IGT is a fitting tribute to honourable Italianate society traditions. The winemaking team was amazed by my incisive insights, and respectfully saluted “the Godfather.”

Its non-identical wine sibling - the 2020 Stoney Goose Ridge NFT (Nebbiolo, Frappato, Teroldego) with my vinous blending mastery naturally translated into a barnstorming sales impact. Don is good! With my timely stimuli, our marketing turbo-charged the customer buzz into a torrential crescendo.

Meanwhile, our omni-multiverse channel brand footprint resonates with our fanatical supporter base, while activity-based rostering exerts downstream cost reduction pressure.

I am astounded by our rivals. Their various “strategic pillar-building customer focussed project” initiatives need rebadging- perhaps Bottomless Pit, FUBAR, Never-never, and White Elephant.

Recall the company that lusted after the success of Aperol. They created a suitable concoction, label, bottle, campaign and so on. Any branding misgivings during development were crushed by their ruthless, clueless leaders. Chimperol’s advertising showing glamourous actors cheerfully saying “chim chim.” Assorted lawsuits and public opprobrium swiftly followed, with immediate disappearance of the product. But did any heads roll?

Participants in similar debacles were blind to the ticking timebombs that were water under the bridge, afterwards seeking the smoking gun of the karma bus that derailed and sank the projects.

Our tone-deaf competition seeks Stoney Goose Ridge’s secret success sauce, but their half-baked emulations rebound in an avalanche of epidemic proportions. Whitewash is their sole forte when rewarding their inept Boards and executives with unmerited fiscal largesse for their progress backwards. Our rivals expend their fixated efforts on PR bloatware to pump up their tyres.

Recent trivia is the agenda to stop “misleading and deceptive” advertising and sale of plant-based “meats,” and almond and soy “milk.” What next – ban peanut butter?

At Stoney Goose Ridge, challenges are confronted, and resolved. We all put our shoulders to the grindstone. Under my sublime stewardship we drive to another record-breaking half-year, steamrolling the opposition, with bonanza bonuses for the deserving. Our unofficial theme song is “we are the champions!”

Your renowned CEO, Hector Lannible

Stoney Goose Ridge mid-year review end 2023
While we enjoy the merry festive pause, my own family had a short break ski-ing in Aspen and Niseko, sandwiched with essential productive networking. While my bonus was appropriately substantial, several other staff members also enjoyed a lesser bounty. Now that batteries are recharged, we are ready for complete sacrificial commitment throughout 2024.

Stoney Goose Ridge added one new cocktail to our stellar range of pre-mixed drinks – the revolutionary Molotov (vodka, tequila, cherry, tomato and raspberry); debuted the Bin 666 Fortified, plus our select multi-origin Italian IGT wine blends the NFI (Nero, Freisa, Inzolia) and NFT (Nebbiolo, Frappato, Teroldego). All these colossal strides have increased our market footprint.

And our DRC range has gained traction within our target audience of the hyper-wealthy mega-rich whales- oligarchs, tycoons, moguls and of course music and cinema stars (Chateau Left Feet has been completely oversubscribed).

Stoney Goose Ridge staff willingly execute my inspiring whirlwind of fresh ideas, the drumbeat of innovations driving durable profit growth. My visionary decision-making is part of my critical role nurturing our workforce, and I trust the top talent of my hand-picked executive team to fast-track my initiatives.

I welcome new recruits to our business family – they will prosper under my micro-guidance. And I bid farewell to those that lacked sufficient ability and stamina to meet their responsibility matrix KPI targets - they were demonstrably not the smartest knives in the pack.

While the drinks industry struggles with the ongoing crippling financial demands of Governments, and the unrelenting complexity of legislation and its opaque interpretations, we are comforted that our rivals are essentially clueless and fully occupied by hindsight; paying the penalties repeatedly while our entirely legal corporate structure permits us to sidestep many of the hurdles and pitfalls. Plus, our adversaries continue to be diverted by China, COVID, WFH and whimsies de jour. Stoney Goose Ridge has never, and will never bother with the bulk wine market – wafer-thin margins are anathema to our ethos.

Our inept competitors only move the needle in panic when facts on the ground become writing on the wall; their leaders’ narcissism, ignorance, personality cults and inward focus should cement their position in the pantheon of corporate infamy. Hunting for the missing link that joins the dots, their strategies amount to random, but persistent bungling. How did they get into trouble? Gradually, then all at once! I thank them for their myriad efforts.

Our track record of anticipating workplace trends holds us well while volatile macroeconomic headwinds impact the momentum of our omniversal strategy within the hyperdynamic global marketplace. I anticipate the pull-forward of our targets, accelerating our foreshadowed plans. Concomitted refinance steps have improved our liquidity, increasing the covenant headroom to reflect our potential earnings environment. This positions us ideally to gather distressed assets from our inept rivals, for derisory rock-bottom bargain-basement prices.

I anticipate writedowns of their bloated inventory, as their warehouses of stock sink in a fire-sale.

Remember, don’t agree until I finish speaking – and all I ask for is what I deserve.
Your illustrious, charismatic CEO, Hector A Lannible.

A (much) longer version was published on my blog on 1 April.

The Essential Cookbook – winning recipes for humans
by Hector Lannible (ed), SGR publications, hardback, 628 pages RRP (AUS) $29.95.
Reviewed by Ramsay Oliver

Hector Lannible is (obviously) the flamboyant, extroverted CEO of Stoney Goose Ridge wines. Like him or loathe him - as many do -, he generates abundant press releases, media appearances, and seemingly comments on anything remotely related to alcohol, and business in general. And the company he fronts brazenly launches new product every few months.

The introduction is densely packed with the Hector’s typically convoluted syntax, replete with nuggets of insight. Recipes were “willingly contributed by staff (and not AI, remembering Moravec’s Paradox) Stoney Goose Ridge and road-tested by our hard-to-please marketers. No “ghost-writers” were employed, and all profits – if any- will be donated to charity. Even though we have plenty on our plates and palates, when we spotted a gaping chasm in the culinary landscape, we applied our intellectual muscle to lever it apart. Happily, our HR specialists are not bloated with inwardly-fixated “wokeaholics” and they welcomed this text’s NFP contribution to humankind’s QOL.”

The recipes are cunningly presented with compact lists of ordinary ingredients. There is no need for dehydrators, liquid nitrogen or sous-vide. There is no need for complex deboning, or skills only acquired and maintained through relentless practice.

it’s no surprise that recommended wine matches focus solely on Stoney Goose Ridge’s extensive array of bewildering and fancifully named wines- for example Chamsecco, Hipster’s Reward, Emoh Ruo, Bin 666, Miraculous Maximus Technoplex®, (and of course their beers – including One Tasty Blonde, Bullant Lager and Brett’s Ale, spirits 2 fingers gin, the old wood duck vodka), plus an array of cocktails including the Molotov and Sonic Screwdriver).

There is even a recipe for Wombat stew. I was expecting a variant of the clichéd cockatoo soup (take cockatoo and a stone, simmer for 3 hours, throw away cockatoo, season to taste, enjoy!) but this was more subtle. “Select your wombat, leave it alone” and follows with a full recipe starring “mock wombat”, with optional “seedless passionfruit dressing”. Someone at Stoney Goose Ridge has a sense of humour (unlikely to be Hector).

Add some sidenotes with arresting titles such as “why do restaurants use so much salt?” with the answer “many chefs’ tastebuds are dulled by repetitive tastings of dishes - they find it easier to revive their jaded senses by adding more salt instead of trusting the quality of the base ingredients. Further, countless chefs are smokers, addicted to sensory overload.” Another note on organic, biodynamic, and natural stresses ingredient quality rather than reliance on the alleged virtues of “hands-off” and misleading labels including artisanal, organical and biogeneric. There’s passion in these outbursts.

Why am I uneasy?

Perhaps it’s the ubiquity of Stoney Goose Ridge; wine, beer, spirits and now books. Are they trying to be Apple, Amazon, or Google? Is it the relentless personality cult surrounding Hector Lannible, his bizarre but arrestingly memorable phrases and ceaseless self-promotion? Or am I secretly jealous of his company’s rapid rise to stardom; their lucrative export successes or just frustrated by Hector’s semi-articulate ramblings?

and of course a longer version is on my blog at [url]https://sweetworldwines.com/[/url]

Stoney Goose Ridge unleashes the Limbo. How low can you go?
Stoney Goose Ridge’s Hipster’s Reward, our sparkling Petty Nat and Cloudy Hay! lo-fi wines continue to deliver outstanding satisfaction. But there is room for more. Why should wine-drinkers seeking the wild roller-coaster ride of skinsy, orange natural wines in their unadorned no-fi state pay more for that privilege?

The keywords for those typically amateur wines – “funky” (faulty), “left-field” (faulty), “experimental” (faulty) and many, many more - depict defects as virtues. It’s hard to make naturalistic wines that can withstand the faculties of disinterested, properly trained wine critics.

Supporting the excessive lifestyle and pompous bombast of whacko cranks (and companies posing as such) is not part of the Stoney Goose Ridge mission.

How those folk can support their influencer greed without damage to their conscience is a monstrous fraud. Spouting buzzwords about eco-inclusion, bio-sustainability, holistic wellness, restorative harmonic practices, handcrafted resonances, niche terroir, neo-organic, creative green well-being and other metaphysical mystic ambiguities are messages for “Danger, Will Robinson!”

So, the Limbo raises the bar. It’s as lo-fi as we can abide, minimal handling with tokenistic sulphur, merely to ensure some shelf life and avoid assorted export labelling shenanigans. It’s sensual with outstanding tactility.

After sampling the Limbo against various alternatives, focus groups swore they would no longer bother with competitors. “We’ll never waste our money on that other crap again” was one comment.

The label of Limbo is also striking. Binksy curated a strikingly post-modern design without being stereotyped, lurid, unimaginative, repulsively offensive, puerile or any combination that are regrettably prevalent.

Rather than pitching the price of Limbo above its alleged peers, Stoney Goose Ridge takes its usual incisive moral high ground, Our skeletal market and sales experts recommended a price of at least $25. I am firmly a hands-on CEO and put my foot down.

I, Hector Lannible, am supremely confident that Stoney Goose Ridge’s wallet-friendly Limbo will drive competitors to the wall, That’s the natural selection paradigm and a fair and reasonable outcome that benefits consumers. Channels not stocking the ultra-high-quality Limbo are covert fellow-travellers egregiously supporting outrageous customer rip-offs.

The 2024 Stoney Goose Ridge Limbo (fields-blend) RRP AUS $14.99 will be available from the usual stockists – hip bars, cafes, restaurants and quality liquor merchants.