The Auswine Forum

What is the funniest wine question you've ever had to answer or explain?

I have been asked, more than once in fact, if chunks of beef are used in the making of port. I told them not to worry, only premium low fat beef is ever used. Just kidding.....

Cheers...........Mahmoud.

Funniest question I've ever heard regarding wine:

"MM, would you like another glass?"

I thought the one about adding different fruits in different vintages was pretty good.

At home among friends, "Would you like white?" (PFFT!)

At my first restaurant job (commis sommelier) in the UK (2 stars): "Does this wine come with a doggy bag?" ok, so it's not the worst, but it sure is the funniest!

At current restaurant 2 yrs ago: [something along the lines of] "Can you recommend an excellent example of Barossan Sauvignon Blanc, we've heard it grows great there and the tonnage is apparently the highest, so it must be good!?" She said it with a serious "know-to-do" look and smile.

Oh lordy. Kept me going for days. Oh wait, here we go again! PAHAHAHAHA!

Here is another one:

If I've been asked once I've been asked a hundred times (in Canada, mind you, not Australia): "I hear you are into/like wines, so do you make your own?"

YES, WINE MADE IN THE KITCHEN OR BASEMENT FROM GRAPE CONCENTRATE IS FAR BETTER THAN WINE MADE BY HARVESTING PREMIUM RIPE GRAPES FROM OUTSIDE THE WINERY!!!!!

Okay, my answer was usually less sarcastic.

Cheers.............Mahmoud.

I reckon about 1 in 100 people have no idea how to even remotely pronounce "Gewurztraminer" correctly. Just standing back and letting them try can be very amusing.

Wizz wrote:I thought the one about adding different fruits in different vintages was pretty good.

Yep that's the one for me too...

ROFLMAO...

Alex F wrote:[ROFLMAO...

Kinda similar,
While I was standing at a table explaining the flavours found within the two different bottles that these guys were drinking. Four guys, how do i say "industrial but well heeled", and they were/had been drinking a Clare Shiraz and a WA Cab/Mer.
One of the blokes asked me "so if I stand next to a vine and P*** on it, will it taste like P***?"
and no, he was not being sarcastic.

Piss off!!

Taswegian wrote:Kinda similar,
While I was standing at a table explaining the flavours found within the two different bottles that these guys were drinking. Four guys, how do i say "industrial but well heeled", and they were/had been drinking a Clare Shiraz and a WA Cab/Mer.
One of the blokes asked me "so if I stand next to a vine and P*** on it, will it taste like P***?"
and no, he was not being sarcastic.

I have it on good authority that the reason why NZ Sauvignon blancs smell of cat's pee/asparagus is because the vineyard workers are encouraged to pee along the vine rows prior to véraison. It comes from an ancient custom (in NZ) of having sheep in the vineyards (cat and sheep pee are essentially identical in their chemical make-up). However the sheep were also pooping in the vineyards as well and that was not found to benefit Sauvignon blanc; poop in the vineyard really only works well with red grapes, hence the popularity of vineyard caca festivals among the French. Sheep poop is also responsible for the current difficulty in finding favorable land to cultivate Sauvignon blanc vines because as we all know New Zealand is one big volcano covered in sheep poop.

Mike

monghead wrote:

Alex F wrote:[ROFLMAO...

rolling on (the) floor laughing my ar%^ off

Mike

Hmmm, I might vote for the one above about the cat, the sheep, and the vineyard workers.

I can already see the back label on a premium bottle of Sauvignon Blanc: "We send our workers out to pee in to the vineyards several times before harvest. This extra dedication to the vines, like hand pruning and manual picking, gives our Sauvignon Blanc extra aromatics."

I can hardly wait.

Cheers.........Mahmoud.

Sorry, I won't try your Verdelho, because it must be sweet

No taste. And no knowledge. The best Verdelhos are dry, and the Swan Valley in WA makes some prime examples.

I have had about 4 years experience in bottle shops, and doing tastings and the stupidest questions / statements were:

1. "I know what I like", this is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard, but card carrying philistines may as well write it on their foreheads.

2. "Riesling's sweet isn't it". I can sort of understand this, when one consider the spectre of Brown Brothers Crouchen Riesling (they are doing the same thing for Dolcetto's reputation now as well), but really. In fact this question is a variation on the "It's not sweet is it?" question, which is applied to any grape people know little about, Marsanne for instance. In my experience many people like wine on the 'fuller' fruitier side, like Goundrey Unwooded, Amberley Chenin, and the many 'white classic' blends, but they have also cottoned on to the perception that drinking sweet wine is somehow not cool so they tend to stick to varieties which they feel have a perception of dryness (Chardonnay, Semillon/Sauvignon Blends, etc), despite them really being loaded up with residual sugar, and thus riesling and verdelho get the arse. There is a similar percetion with oaked chardonnay.

3. "Is it dry?" (with particular reference to white wine). This is a prick of a question. I tend to associate dryness with wines that have been aged in oak, and older wines, otherwise I tend to think of how crisp a wine is as a gauge, which has a lot to do with the acid structure, however I taste a lot of wine and have different reference points. Joe Public might find E&T classic sufficiently 'dry' to his taste, so when he asks about the new NZ sauv blanc you'd normally just say yes for the ease of it, but it's a cop out. Still I also think it relates to the 'taboo' over sweet white that I mentioned above.

4. "Is this a red wine/white wine?" Yes, people do ask this question.

5. "I had such and such a wine last night, but I can't remember the label, or what it was called, but it was red an I think it started with 'C'?" etc. Well that narrows it down, let's see there are only about 2500 producers (in Australia) with 10,000 plus wines etc.

6. "I only buy Western Australian." I worked at VC's in Perth from 1999-2002, when having Margaret River on the label meant it automatically cost $10 more a bottle. WA wine is good, but there was a considerable amount of wine from the East which was considerably less than WA wine and better, moreover WA wine was being sold in Melbourne and Sydney for less than it was in Perth. There were many people who were being ripped off by what I'll be polite and call patriotism, but what is really parochialism. Having said that it applies equally to people who say "I only buy Australian", particularly now with the flood of quality imports now hitting our shores.

7. 'Who makes the best wine in the world?" (or those who were happy to presume the answer and say "Australia makes the best wine in the world"). This sort of jingoism is very popular in Australia, as we like to be seen to be punching above our weight on the world stage, take the Olympic's for instance. However I'm firmly of the opinion that no one makes the best wine in the world, plenty of people in different regions around the world make great wine, but competitions about who is the greatest are little more than dick measuring contests.

8. "It must be a great wine, it has lot's of medals." So what. As a local wine identity said if you can't at least win a bronze at your local show, you ought to give it away. As for strange sounding shows in the middle of nowhere, forget about it. I see the show circuit as a guide, and I take notice of trophy winners in the big shows, but it's not gospel.

9. "I like the romance of cork." but not corked wine methinks, it's like the I don't like the label/bottle/name etc. I mean who actually drinks it out of the bottle for f^*k's sake.

10. "Oh, but it doesn't taste like the real thing." This is used a bit by people who mostly drink new world sparklers, but may have tried a couple of Champagnes (probably Moet or Veuve, and the less said about that the better). Australia has a lot to be proud about with our sparkling wines, but they will never be Champagne, because as I have to say to people Champagne is not a wine it is a region. I have used this in relation to Pinot when comparing Burgundy with elsewhere, and others. Moreover people who continue to call all sparkling wine Champagne is a pet hate, but I can live with it.

Jules wrote:I have had about 4 years experience in bottle shops, and doing tastings and the stupidest questions / statements were:

1. "I know what I like", this is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard, but card carrying philistines may as well write it on their foreheads.

Well, I do, certainly more than anyone else does, but I don't say that to bottle shop staff.

Jules wrote:I have had about 4 years experience in bottle shops, and doing tastings and the stupidest questions / statements were:

5. "I had such and such a wine last night, but I can't remember the label, or what it was called, but it was red an I think it started with 'C'?" etc. Well that narrows it down, let's see there are only about 2500 producers (in Australia) with 10,000 plus wines etc.

Yeah, some of my tasting group people still do this to me...

[quote="Jules"]I have had about 4 years experience in bottle shops, and doing tastings and the stupidest questions / statements were:

1. Maybe they havn't tried enough to know what they like yet

3. I think they just dont want to drink anything that is clearly sweet. its either sweet or its not. there no grey area there

4. Easy mistake for somebody who doesn't know about wine. There could be anything in that dark red wine bottle, and some whites come is quite dark bottles too

8. I'm sure not every single wine out there is winning silver and gold medals in big wine shows

9. some people like popping open a bottle of wine, rather than twisting off the top like a cheap beer

10. everyboyd says "champagne" when they're reffering to sparkling. its like how americans say "hoover" when they're referring to vacuum cleaners, and how everybody says "band-aid" when band-aid is a brand, and the product is an adhesive bandage

lordson wrote:3. I think they just dont want to drink anything that is clearly sweet. its either sweet or its not. there no grey area there

Thats not really true. Once you get into German wines you find there are infinite shades of sweetness.

lordson wrote:8. I'm sure not every single wine out there is winning silver and gold medals in big wine shows

Idi Amin was covered in silver and gold medals too, but it didnt make him good! I always think back to the wines in the late 80s that won medlas in Yugoslavian shows - every child wins a prize

AB

Funniest wine question I was ever asked was just recently by a doctor I was seeing.

"Can you have a month off drinking wine before you have this blood test?"

My wife nearly fell off her chair she was laughing so much.

10. everyboyd says "champagne" when they're reffering to sparkling. its like how americans say "hoover" when they're referring to vacuum cleaners, and how everybody says "band-aid" when band-aid is a brand, and the product is an adhesive bandage

never thought about it that way actually. a good point

people call all sorts of cheap sticky tape sellotape too.

lordson wrote:

Jules wrote:I have had about 4 years experience in bottle shops, and doing tastings and the stupidest questions / statements were:

1. Maybe they havn't tried enough to know what they like yet
e

What my point actually is Lordson is that many people use the "I know what I like" statement as an excuse not to try new things.

Many people as you will no doubt be aware dismiss information simply because it doesn't fit into their worldview, before actually applying any critical analysis of it.

I have done many free tastings, where people refused to try wine on that basis.

Moreover when you apply simple logic to that statement it is reveals itself to be quite banal, as you can only like something if you know it (as opposed to desiring something if you don't have it), however you can only know if you like other things if you are willing to try them, and it is the thirst to try new experiences that I look for in people.

Your other points are valid when one considers the level of experience you have in the wine caper.

Jules wrote:

lordson wrote:

Jules wrote:I have had about 4 years experience in bottle shops, and doing tastings and the stupidest questions / statements were:

1. Maybe they havn't tried enough to know what they like yet
e

What my point actually is Lordson is that many people use the "I know what I like" statement as an excuse not to try new things.

Many people as you will no doubt be aware dismiss information simply because it doesn't fit into their worldview, before actually applying any critical analysis of it.

I have done many free tastings, where people refused to try wine on that basis.

Moreover when you apply simple logic to that statement it is reveals itself to be quite banal, as you can only like something if you know it (as opposed to desiring something if you don't have it), however you can only know if you like other things if you are willing to try them, and it is the thirst to try new experiences that I look for in people.

Your other points are valid when one considers the level of experience you have in the wine caper.

Well Jules I have to disagree, I've been there to (many of) those free tastings and avoided the rubbish the server has tried to foist upon me and seen the superior looks on peoples faces when I ask just to taste the red wines. If it's too overt I just taste and then buy elsewhere.

Why is your worldview (that they should try something you suggest because you think it is good) better than theirs. Do you know their background intimately?

Simple logic has nothing to do with this. I don't have to taste a particular riesling to know I don't like to drink riesling and I'm never going to buy any so why waste precious time trying it. Sure, it might be a good wine, but it still is of no interest to me and no one has the right to tell me I'm wrong. My monthly wine-tasting group tonight starts with a bracket of 4 1999 Clare rieslings, I'll try them and no doubt find a good wine or two, but I'm not going to bother with them outside of that setting.

I've done the critical analysis over 45 years and from about 20 years ago my worldview of wine hasn't changed a lot, despite trying different things on my own terms rather than have them foisted upon me by a salesperson or someone who is attempting with almost religious fervour to "broaden" my palate.

This takes me to my (very valid) persistent point in our industry (wine sales): sell the customer what they want and need, instead of what you want and need.

It always ensures a return customer compared to an unhappy single-off sale.

It edges me to consult for retailers (usually restaurant staff understand it, if they're trained well enough) who just push high margin, commercial bollocks to all and sundry until a sale is hit. I mean, what's the point? Usually a result of a bad choice in buying the wine in, in the first place.

Brian

I'll admit that I may have on occasion foisted wine on to people with "religious fervour", although if you try something and you really like it then much like religion you normally want to tell people about it, the 1999 Majella Shiraz and the 2002 O'Leary Walker Shiraz are wines that spring to mind.

I have done tastings where the wine has been commercial rubbish, although I found it far easier to sell wine if I thought (and yes I realise that it is still only my opinion) it was good, regardless of the price.

You make some solid points on the worldview issue that I raised, and I can see how my comments could be be seen as arrogant, hell I'll even concede there is some arrogance there. However in my experience some people make up their mind about some wines before they have tried them, and then use that reasoning as a reason not to try them. This is the same pattern that drives racism etc.

I mean I worked at wine shows (read piss up's), where people went and only tried the wines they already knew. Maybe it's just me, but wouldn't you be even the slightest bit curious of the other wines on offer.

You aren't a fan of white, which you make clear, but I'd imagine you didn't base that decision on the "fact" that only chicks drink white, or another similar supposition.

Cheers

Julian

Jules wrote:However in my experience some people make up their mind about some wines before they have tried them, and then use that reasoning as a reason not to try them. This is the same pattern that drives racism etc.

Jules, "some people" do lots of strange things and although your comparison may in fact be true in a distant sort of way for "some people" it's not really relevant to liking or not liking a particular wine or type of wine. What does it matter anyway if they don't try a wine you think is good? Many people drink Oyster Bay SB and I can't understand why, but I don't really care. To many people wine is just an alcoholic drink, bought on price or label or whatever, not something to be explored or thought deeply about. As an afterthought, isn't the imposing of a single person's or group's will on the rest of the populace akin to dictatorship or fascism?

Jules wrote:I mean I worked at wine shows (read piss up's), where people went and only tried the wines they already knew. Maybe it's just me, but wouldn't you be even the slightest bit curious of the other wines on offer.

I've been to many show tastings as a paying punter and have been a steward at the last 2 National Wine Shows. It's pretty obvious to me that "many people" are trying all sorts of wines both familiar and not and revelling in the discoveries. But it is also a great way to catch up on the new vintages of favourite wines, or back vintages in the museum classes, to see how they are going. Since they stopped selling tickets to the general public the "piss-up" nature of the event has mostly disappeared.

Jules wrote:You aren't a fan of white, which you make clear, but I'd imagine you didn't base that decision on the "fact" that only chicks drink white, or another similar supposition.

You imagine correctly. Most of the "chicks" I've been associated with drink mostly red. I've drunk enough of most white wines to last me a lifetime, now (since 20 years or so ago) it is red wine that satisfies far more. I don't care at all what other people drink, I do care when people who don't know me tell me what I should try or decry my considered personal choice.

Red Bigot wrote: I don't care at all what other people drink, I do care when people who don't know me tell me what I should try or decry my considered personal choice.

I don't know you RB but you are clearly wrong

Wayno wrote:

Red Bigot wrote: I don't care at all what other people drink, I do care when people who don't know me tell me what I should try or decry my considered personal choice.

I don't know you RB but you are clearly wrong

I am mortally wounded that you should think so. I shall have to go and pour a bottle of white down the drain to recover.

By the way, its the British who say "hoover" not the Americans; they say vacuum or vacuum clean.

Brian, you're absolutely correct about people who are experienced wine drinkers. They know what they like, or dislike, based knowledge and experience. As you have said, you've had plenty of reisling and don't wish to try another one. Once upon a time I was at a wine show here in Edmonton and I purposely walked passed the Little Penguin display because I knew I wouldn't like it but i did try the Jacob's Creek reserve wines because I was curious about them.

Jules, on the other hand, is referring to people who, despite not knowing much about wine refuse to try anything different, unusual, or new. They know nothing about the wine being offered for tasting and yet make a decision based on some other criteria. I recall browsing in a store when an acquaintance walked in looking to buy Jacob's Creek for a party he was going to and he asked me what I thought. I suggested a number of wines in the same price range that I though equal to or better than the Jacob's Creek. He ended up buying the Jacob's Creek. I guess he just wanted to stay on safe ground, something he was comfortable with. Nothing wrong with that but I reckon he will never be knowledgeable about wine.

Talking about refusing to taste a wine, some years ago I was at cellar door at Coriole's in the McLaren tasting their wines. In came a doctor from Perth with a magazine in hand opened at a wine article reviewing some new wines. Pointing to a list of wines in the magazine, some circled in ink, he asks the Coriole staff if they have the newly released Sangiovese. They did and he wanted a case delivered. When he was offered a taste of the wine he refused. The person at cellar door and I just shook our heads. He knew what he wanted, he wanted what the reviewer said was good, not to judge and choose for himself.

Its a funny world out there but, in the end, to each his own. After all, its just wine. Did i say that?.

Cheers......Mahmoud

Mahmoud Ali wrote:Jules, on the other hand, is referring to people who, despite not knowing much about wine refuse to try anything different, unusual, or new. They know nothing about the wine being offered for tasting and yet make a decision based on some other criteria. I recall browsing in a store when an acquaintance walked in looking to buy Jacob's Creek for a party he was going to and he asked me what I thought. I suggested a number of wines in the same price range that I though equal to or better than the Jacob's Creek. He ended up buying the Jacob's Creek. I guess he just wanted to stay on safe ground, something he was comfortable with. Nothing wrong with that but I reckon he will never be knowledgeable about wine.

Yep, true. The behaviour you describe happens all the time with all sorts of things. Food, drinks of all sorts, cars, breakfast cereal... Brand Power. And playing it safe.

My point was that you don't know just by looking at a person which type they are unless they are regular customers or you know some other way. A lot of people who know a lot about wine don't present as such in wine shops, sometimes deliberately. If you treat such customers as "idiots" and "card carrying philistines" they won't become regulars and you'll never know. (That is the generic you, or specifically Jules, not you personally Mahmoud.)

I think the Len Evans quote is something like "It's just a bloody drink."

Seeing as the original thread might have possibly gone a little "off-topic". I am sitting here on a boring sunday night when I think one of my guests might have contributed to "THE FUNNIEST WINE QUESTION EVER"

Having quite astutely selected the Bream Creek Reserve 2005 PN. (one of the best sthrn pn of 05) from my perfectly consistent cellar temperature.
He then said
"this is a little cold, can you just stick it in the microwave for a bit?"

WTF? There is no hope.......