The Auswine Forum

“Depression is a very bad thing”.

Basil Fawlty said that, or something similar to it. He knew what he was talking about.

I know. That’s because I have depression. And alcohol dependency.

You now have two choices - skip to the next post because this probably is 'off topic', or continue reading.

There has been quite a bit in the media lately about depression and that is not a bad thing because it raises awareness of depression, not only with people who have depression but also with people who may live or work or socialise with someone with depression.

My problem is that after I was diagnosed with depression two and a half years ago I was put on medication which I decided was worse than the ailment and I started self treating myself with alcohol which, because I do really enjoy drinking wine (and tasting and buying and going on food and wine holidays), sort of worked for a while.

What I failed to realise is that the more I drank the more I became reliant on alcohol, to the point where I was pretty much incapable of functioning properly in the mornings because I was feeling so overhung and depressed about feeling crap that eating was out of the question until maybe lunchtime and then from about 2.00 pm I was thinking about which bottle I was going to open that night and from 5.00 pm was thinking to myself is it too early to open it? Nah, it’s time for a pre dinner drink, then another or two, and a couple over dinner, and bugger it, I may as well open a second bottle because I feel that I’m not drunk enough to get to sleep and if I don’t get to sleep quickly I lie in bed thinking about how shit my life is and how I can end this misery.

Five and a half months ago I was getting most of my calories from grog. I had severe reflux from that and was on medication for it and having to take antacids all day and through the night and I was so depressed that I could not properly function at any level, such as managing to paying bills on time, doing the housework, cooking something decent for dinner, having a conversation with anyone, even reading this forum.

So one night after yet again starting another argument with my wife I decided that I had had enough and that I wasn’t going to face another day and took an overdose of sleeping tablets after opening two bottles of wine. The last thing I remember was drifting off in the recliner.

I would have succeed in killing myself had my wife not got up at some stage later in the night and found me sprawled on the floor in the toilet, covered in urine and blood from (from apparently face planting the floor) and completely out of it.

The next thing I remember is briefly waking up in the hospital the next day sometime, and then again late in the afternoon.

The end result of all that was that I was admitted to a psychiatric ward as an involuntary patient under the Mental Health Act. This means that you are serving an indefinite sentence – yes, they can keep you in there for as long as they want.

The staff on the ward were very good. If it wasn’t for the help that they gave me I would be either still in there or dead as they made me realise that yes, I do need to treat depression with medication and not alcohol and that I do have an alcohol dependency problem, although that was bloody hard to admit.

It was also bloody hard to admit that I was a nasty drunk for the last few years too, especially in the last year because I didn’t want to face up to the fact that I should have sought help about having depression and wouldn’t because, what do doctors know?

So am I still depressed? Yep, some days more so than others. Suicidal? Some days definitely.

Being locked up got me off the smokes and I haven’t a drink in five and a half months, which is the longest that I’ve been off the booze since I was 10 years old, and I’m 56 now. Maybe that says something about why I have alcohol dependency.

Am I missing the drink? Absolutely, every night.

So why have I written all this? Hopefully it has raised someone’s awareness of depression and hopefully you may say something to someone about it, whether it’s you that has depression or you think someone you know may have depression so that you don’t end up with an alcohol dependency like me and will be forever missing out on all that very drinkable wine which I used to enjoy so much.

I won’t be reading any comments about this post so don't bother with the slagging about being 'off topic' or bringing the tone of posts down or telling everyone that you don't have a problem yourself, as this is the last time I’ll be on this site because I now find it very hard reading about wine and how other people are enjoying it when I know I won’t be able to sample it again.

Depression is an insidious nasty ailment that wrecks peoples’ lives and Basil was right about it.

Great topic. I'm always interested in how people balance their passion for wine and especially note those working in the industry which must present separate challenges too.

I am glad GAP posted this here.

Like gambling, most people can manage and enjoy the experience, but for some it is catastrophic. I’m fortunate in that I get really sick if I have too much (i.e.I am not that good in holding my liquor) and that has resulted in me training myself of necessity not to fall into the vicious spiral. But it is a real risk for people to lose their sense of proportion. It’s a shame that I’m a bit addicted to buying the stuff. But at least you can auction it off if it gets too much. You can’t auction off alcoholism.

Oh dear. Sorry to hear of your travails, gap, whether you read this or not.
I find wine a joy, but I guess there are risks for everyone.
But life itself is bad for your health, so I guess you have to make a call for yourself.
Sometimes I wonder what life will be like in two or three hundred years, when medical science may have got a better grip on depression and its causes and enablers.
In the same way we look back on the medicinal approach of the Victorians (and earlier - heck, just look what those of biblical times thought of peple with epilepsy!) I sometimes wonder what those in the future will think about our approach to mental health; the things we thought were helpful, the treatments we prescribed. Will we look like those oddballs who thought you could diagnose all kinds of maladies from the shape of people's heads, for example?
I hope you find a path to a better future, whether than involves a judicious sip of a fine wine or not.
salute
Graeme

Gap
I admire your bravery and honesty in speaking out.
Whilst I don't suffer from depression I certainly feel the lure of the 'next' wine. In fact I find the whole forum reading creates inspiration, leads to purchases, leads to drinking and then back on the hunt for the next great bottle. It is like a merry-go-round on my love of wine. I purposely don't drink mid-week as I could easily see that one glass with dinner, going to two glasses, to a bottle etc each night.

Regards

Alcohol is a powerful drug. I've witnessed some of the most unbelievable things in my life related to depression and alcohol dependency to the extent where families and entire communities have been torn apart and been at risk. I wish this on no-one. Glad you can share your story.

Gusty post Gap.
I wish you all the best.

Hi Gap
I do hope you do come back to this thread to read the comments, because like the others I have huge respect for you in talking about depression and the methods we humans (mis-)use to handle it.

I do understand the reluctance to stick to anti-depression / anti-stress medication, which in many cases seems designed just to dull the senses and leave the person in a clouded, soporific state. Thankfully the only time I was on anti-stress drugs I had a compassionate employer and good friends, but also was able to reduce & get off them ASAP. I wasn't happy in the effect they had on me. I hope methods have improved, so it's genuine treatment and not just reducing the person to semi-stupor. That said, if we can't yet address the causes properly, then that's how it must be, though never just left alone to suffer such treatment without follow-up.

A wine forumite from another forum recently featured on a national TV documentary, about his utterly scary and rare mental condition. Similarly brave in coming forward. If such things would be interesting to watch, here's the link to the post on his website, on which I believe he posted links to youtube etc. http://elitistreview.com/2017/05/04/hor ... ideo-link/

Keep fighting, and if ever you feel a bit like you've been ignored, make a pest of yourself with the doctors to get an appointment to discuss treatment & whether any improvements can be made. Feel free to PM here if you ever find the frustration or fears creeping in. It's easy for the pressure to build up, so never be afraid to lean on those that can help you relieve the pressure.

Many thanks for posting. A darn sight more important than the normal subject matter.

Regards
Ian

Gap, working in this space and indeed when completing a PhD I self diagnosed, that the black dog was on a very short lead. Repeated frequent visits to my GP was a god send and at the time got me through...its a pretty fine line between normal, being able to accept that its just a response to increased stress or indeed that you need help.
I an finding now that perfection is not needed in my life...too much useless consumption of emotional energy, the world is plagued by it.
What I do find is that I am trying to make more of an effort to connect and reconnect to those in my life who matter.

As for alcohol, I admit philosophically, that I have a serious problem...I love the though of getting absolutely hammered, I don't know why, is it the euphoria of being outside ones-self and having no control that is attractive...I liken it to the last second of consciousness with anaesthesia before you disappear, teetering with reality. I will be in a room on Friday with 180 wines...do I go for it, or be insightful for once, and show some restraint.

I do worry however, that alcohol eventually changes ones cognitive abilities and that alcohol induced dementia is a very real fear, and have cared for 100s of individuals who live in the world of lights are on, but no ones home.

Hope you are OK...and keep talking to people...I have a dear mate, who has had repeated admissions to address suicidal behaviours...we talk all the time, nothing, absolutely nothing is off the table. All the best Gap.
Cheers
Craig

I hope Gap does read this especially given the supportive nature of the responses which he may not have expected and also to know that he is not alone in of this.

Much of what he has written is uncomfortably familier having been through a similar battle over the last 10 years or so although for me there is light at the end of the tunnel and am sure there is for him as well, is remarkable how alone and lonely you can feel even when surrounded by so many people that love and care for you.

Won't go into as much detail as him however can recall when drinking wine turned from a recreational pursuit to an addiction and especially the negative impact that had on my life and the people I care about the most in particular.

I still hit the bottle a bit too much although in far less quantaties and in a more controlled way and do recognise that once I am completely off it that will be the end of my alcohol consuming days...the upside is that the sale of my cellar contents and fridges will give me a nice little financial fillip...

All the best Gap if you do read this and please remember there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

Wow, great post and well done on facing up to your demons. Depression sounds like a really horrible thing to go through and I can imagine mixing in alcohol is just a recipe for disaster. Like a lot of people, I also get pretty down on myself from time to time(but am positive it's not depression), and alcohol seems to be the place I head, which generally makes it worse in the short term, but in some ways it is good to have a vice where you can blow off your steam. Just as long as it isn't a daily occurrence.

For me, exercise is the thing that always snaps me out of these down times......especially surfing and running. Nothing better than getting in the ocean and letting the salt water wash your cares away.

But I like to think that wine appreciation and alcohol abuse are different beasts. While I may consume too much alcohol sometimes(like many..), I really enjoy the beauty of wine, the whole process of it and especially the way it brings people together. I would absolutely hate to ever have to give it up...

Good luck in your journey and I sincerely hope it all works out well for you.

Jesus, what a really great post.

As per the comments above, brave, and there's no-one reading this forum that won't take at least something from your reflections.

I commend you absolutely for taking the risk of posting. And I thank-you most sincerely. We all of us get some exposure to the black dog along the journey. And our old mate booze can be a sketchy partner at those times. Like all above/below, I also hope that you sneak a peek here, and see how appreciated your post is.

Good luck.

You may not read this but may you feel how thankful I am for your post. What an inspiring story and eye-opener on depression awareness. This is truly helpful for everyone so we're fortunate and thankful that you shared your story with us. You have touched several lives and that is all that matters. Good luck, Gap and continue being an inspiration!

Gap, thanks for your post, really appreciate your honesty and bravery in talking about what you have. Depression and alcohol don't mix, I am sure that many of us, myself included, might be north of the recommended daily alcohol consumption, so you're not alone. I wish you all the best in dealing with your circumstances.

Bonzai wrote:For me, exercise is the thing that always snaps me out of these down times......especially surfing and running. Nothing better than getting in the ocean and letting the salt water wash your cares away.

Certainly a useful tool, be that the camaraderie of team sports, or the often simple mental focus of solo sports. The endorphins also make for a more natural 'high'. Cycling I found good, because you can easily 'switch off the focus', and I guess running would be at least as good - with swimming perhaps best of all?

In terms of exercise for resetting or balancing, I found what best works for me is trekking. The more greenery and wildlife the better, enjoy the trance of only the reptilian part of the brain being active when climbing a remote jungle-clad mountain. A little dangerous at times and not for everyone, but getting back in touch with nature with exercise can be a panacea for more than just a bad day. I get away most months to the jungles of Asia to balance wine holidays and have moved to the beautiful country parks of Hong Kong.

Another important issue for my mental well-being is diet. I can't eat shit food. I've learnt to fast. When I travel for work it's a very big concern how much the world is being poisoned with processed foods laden with sugars. I can walk a city block and there's nothing but crap food.

Very pleased with the comments here and the demonstrated understanding that depression affects everyone in different ways and what might work for one person doesn't work for another. That we are openly discussing it is another positive thing.

Alcohol is not a good medication for stress, anxiety or depression. As noted above better treatments are diet, exercise and if they don't work - medication. I have had more and more male friends tell me about their issues with depression - which is a great indicator that the stigma may eventually be dissipating.

You may not read these comments gap, but they have had meaning. Thanks for sharing and good luck with your life.

Michael

OK. I'll take the dare. I have suffered the Black Dog all my life but was only diagnosed in 2000 when I really unravelled. Luckily mine is only a mild dose and I was very very lucky to have found a medication with side effects I can cope with. A bit groggy in the morning is all but at least I sleep well at night. Having a supportive wife and family and a GP whose husband is a psychiatrist made all the difference and after about 2 months I was able to go back to a high pressure job. Winters are tougher as getting sun is very important. Laplanders have the highest incidence.

It is great the way society is now more understanding and accepting of it as a medical condition. A chemical imbalance in the brain can be treated. It's just the side effects that have to be dealt with.

Luckily I don't drink to self medicate. I just love wine and probably drink a little too much but at 60 and retired with a well adjusted family I feel I have earnt it.

Thanks gap for your honesty and starting this thread. The more people understand the issue the more it will be accepted as just another illness that can be treated. Remember 1 in 5 people will have a depressive episode at least once in their life. It's generally triggered by a shock in your life - death in family, job loss, serious illness etc. It's much worse than just being sad. There are a series of questions that can uncover the underlying issue. Below is a link to assist and if you have symptoms go and see your doctor. There is a cure. Life is a truly wonderful experience and not worth missing. And wine is a great lubricator. A good mate with the issue jumped off a building a few years ago. If only he knew how much he was loved.

Carl

https://mindspot.org.au/gclid=CjwKCAjwr ... m4QAvD_BwE

Thanks Chuck. Good on you.

Cheers

Michael

So great post and follow up posts by all.

I dont think Id fall into any of this but I think its worth keeping an eye on yourself and your mental health if thats possible. I drink too much. This wine hobby is adding to that. I do need to be a bit more responsible here. I dont think i have a problem but will need to keep an eye on.

Probably a wake up call to all of us with regard to 'are you being a good mate'. Are you looking out for your mates? Listening. I have a couple of Fishing Trips and Boys Weekends to help keep that stuff grounded. Not sure its realistic to pick if someone is bottling it all up though. We gotta look out for each other.