The Auswine Forum

I'm in my 2nd year of marriage and struggling to come up with a suitable strategy for keeping the wife happy with my wine 'habit'.

Hopefully some of the wiser and more experienced heads on here might be able to help!

I've tried the whole transparent approach - that didn't work as she failed to see the value in wine collecting.

Then I tried the whole see no evil, hear no evil deliveries direct to offsite storage approach, but she then became paranoid about checking the bank account!

My mates are telling me I need a private slush find 'off the grid', but it seems as though I'm on a slippery slope!''

Is it reasonable to spend an agreed and moderate amount of money of wine each month? Should I feel guilty for indulging in one of my few pleasures!?

Help!

First, can you put a different spin on it? Rather than referring to it as a habit, could it be referred to as a hobby? Does she have a hobby or anything that she spends a decent amount of money on e.g. shoes or nice clothes? A bit of a stereotype but you might be able to find something that works. Perhaps you could agree to match each other dollar for dollar e.g. for every dollar you spend on wine, she gets to put a dollar toward something for herself. Or perhaps you could say that for every dollar you spend on wine, you match that with money to charity, or money toward a night out together, or a gift for her, or a trip away? Just brainstorming here... Fingers crossed for you. Would love to hear how you get on.

Failing that, i like the idea of the private slush fund

Tell her to earn her own money, spend most of it on what she feels like and refuse to discuss it further until there's no more room for wine because the shoes have taken over.

Then get your own storage locker.

And go see someone about getting that thumb print removed from your forehead.

Sorry, bit grumpy this morning. Think I need another coffee.....

Loved the reply Sparky!

I think the problem here is her lack of hobbies or an equivalent vice.

I think this is one of those arguments where you should take the path of least resistance...

Reloadable prepaid Visa card herr I come!

Lucky for me the 'boss' is a fan of vino. I play the reverse psychology card and I find it works the best.
I still get the line, "no more wine". I always happily agree.
But once we hit the wine regions, and we've tasted one or two CD's the floodgates start to open
and the "no more wine" instruction starts to fade.
Quite often she'll turn to me after tasting various wines and exclaim that I "planned this" or "you knew I'd like this". Of course we end with a couple of bottles or a half a case. I'm always quick to respond...."no more wine remember"!!?
On a recent CD visit I had told this story to a friend of mine as we approached a CD. As usual the above scenario played out and he gave me a wry smile as we left with, you guessed it, more wine!

Now retail/auction/mail list purchasing? That's a different story. I find being straight up and honest the best approach.
If it's a big purchase, say $70+, I always start to whine (no pun intended)
and drop the wine I'm thinking of buying into conversation at various times.
Of course she gets sick of hearing this which leads to, more wine.

In conclusion, I would suggest these 2 approaches;
1. Convince your wife on the pleasures and passion of wine.
Educate her and show her how much it means to you. She may in turn (hopefully) become a fan.
2. Beg like a dog.

I would ask (though not expect you to answer on an internet forum!!) - how is the money position overall? If you are comfortable and have no pressing needs around home, paying for/saving for children, etc then really I dont see the problem spending a fair % of your budget on wine for your own consumption (not for investment: thats a mugs game!)

If however you live in a 1 bedroom shanty at the back of your parents house and subsist on nothing but plain crackers... and Mouton Rothschild '82 then I might perhaps be more inclined to side with your wife

Scott Pape (the Barefoot Investor) recommends setting up three different bank accounts to handle your budget. The first two accounts are for handling day-to-day known expenses (such as utility payments, rent etc) and long term savings (house deposit, overseas trip.) But he emphasises the need to keep a third account just to blow on stuff you want. How much you put into each account obviously depends on your income and your recurrent living expenses.
If you are able to seperate the 'just for fun' account into his and hers then you remove the guilt and also the need to justify because that is exactly what it is there for - to spend on whatever the hell you want.
The problem I have discovered with Scott's approach is that the 'just for fun' account never seems to quite have enough in it to cover what I want. There's also the issue of trying to define if something (new motorcycle) is a day-to-day expense or a 'just for fun' expenditure.

It's a tough question. My wife said that if I didn't stop buying wine, that she is going to leave me........ I'm going to miss her

I just tell her when I bring home a box - "just some cheapies"...

This is a great post discussing a situation faced by most men with a hobby/passion/obsession (I.e. most men). You could quite easily substitute the word "wine" for bike/car/fishing/golf/mistress etc.

To overcome the issues with the wife, I have made an effort to "make a little money on the side" of my day job. I then spend this on wine. It may not cover the whole cost, but at least the effort is there. It also helps me personally justify the spend (pathetic, i know). This technique may also work with golf/car/fishing/bike obsessions too, but I do not recommend for justifying expenditure on a mistress.

Simon

Great topic!

The way it works in my house is, We have a certain level we like our accounts to sit at or above. If the accounts are above this level and the credit cards are square, then it's game on.
I have wine arriving every now and then and the wife seems to have a new parcel delivered every second day from whatever fashion sites she subscribes to, we like to let each other know how much we've "saved" rather that how much we've spent!

If the account is below the desired level and there is anything owing on the CC, then it's no wine, no new clothes.

I guess I'm lucky (I think) that my wife is good at spending money too.

sparky wrote:Tell her to earn her own money, spend most of it on what she feels like and refuse to discuss it further until there's no more room for wine because the shoes have taken over.

Then get your own storage locker.

And go see someone about getting that thumb print removed from your forehead.

Sorry, bit grumpy this morning. Think I need another coffee.....

Thats the spirit Moira
I inform the better half when I purchase/open a bottle..."who is more important than you".... works a treat.

For chaps who have been married for two years, get yourself in credit early...."ok if i have a night out with the girls dear?".....just keep saying yes and nod your head....then there will be no complaints when you feel like spending a few dollars on your vinous obsession.


Cheers Craig.

This could be just about any hobby really...Part of being married is also supporting each others interests/hobbies/etc...Everything you guys do does not need to be a couples activity or a hobby enjoyed by both.

I don't know what your budget is or how much you're spending but as long as it is reasonable and not causing any financial headaches there should be some sort of allowance to "have fun".

I don't think lying to her (sneaking out money into a prepaid card) is how you should run a marriage..She should understand that your wine is like her buying shoes or this or that (which she considers as necessary) and learn to be ok with it. That might mean setting a budget each month (maybe your buying habits are out of control..I don't know) but her absolutely not understanding that you have a hobby is really quite unfair...it actually goes far beyond your wine hobby or anything else...

Dan wrote:....we like to let each other know how much we've "saved" rather than how much we've spent!

This.

Diddy wrote:Is it reasonable to spend an agreed and moderate amount of money of wine each month? Should I feel guilty for indulging in one of my few pleasures

If the budget is agreed, then you are halfway there. If you want to spend more, then take it out of your own personal budget. Consider it an investment for the future and never feel guilty for wanting to share a great bottle with the one you love.

I am lucky in that my better half shares my interest in wine and we get to enjoy a nice bottle over a great home cooked meal. However it never started out that way and like most great partnerships, it developed over time.

I still get the occasional "stop the buying" but it soon goes away when I crack open another wonderful bottle.

AaronL wrote:It's a tough question. My wife said that if I didn't stop buying wine, that she is going to leave me........ I'm going to miss her

A man after my own heart, we got our priorties right

I love that this thread generated a bit of interest! It seems like I'm not alone!

Scotty vino wrote:In conclusion, I would suggest these 2 approaches;
1. Convince your wife on the pleasures and passion of wine.
Educate her and show her how much it means to you. She may in turn (hopefully) become a fan.
2. Beg like a dog.

I suspect I may have a greater prospect of success with #2 than I will #1. Might have to revisit that recent thread about how to get your other half to like wine!

sjw_11 wrote:I would ask (though not expect you to answer on an internet forum!!) - how is the money position overall? If you are comfortable and have no pressing needs around home, paying for/saving for children, etc then really I dont see the problem spending a fair % of your budget on wine for your own consumption (not for investment: thats a mugs game!)

If however you live in a 1 bedroom shanty at the back of your parents house and subsist on nothing but plain crackers... and Mouton Rothschild '82 then I might perhaps be more inclined to side with your wife

I'd say we're financially comfortable. Both professionals earning decent (moderate) coin, no kids and no real financial pressures other than a sizeable mortgage.

It begs the question though - what % of net income is 'reasonable'...?

If I'm honest, I'm probably floating somewhere around 5% of net income per month.

Polymer wrote:I don't think lying to her (sneaking out money into a prepaid card) is how you should run a marriage...

I agree with this 100%, hence my frustration! Once you have to resort to 'skulduggery', where does it stop...?

On that point, I just remembered another reason why the Mrs is suspicious of my wine habit!

I have my wine stored at Kennards Huntingdale (Vic). If anyone is familiar with the region, there's a number of 'institutions of ill repute' surrounding the facility.

One night I made the mistake of having the wife in the car when I did a pick-up and ever since, she gives me this concerned look whenever I say I need to head down to the locker.

She won't leave me 5 minutes without a phone call!

Diddy wrote:It begs the question though - what % of net income is 'reasonable'...?

If I'm honest, I'm probably floating somewhere around 5% of net income per month.

It will vary per person/couple...If it is causing some concern with your wife, you might want to discuss it with her to find out what she's comfortable with. Sounds like she's ok with it all to be honest...but I think setting a budget (monthly or yearly) will be good...you can also do the same for her..like a handbag or shoe budget or something..

Polymer wrote:

Diddy wrote:It begs the question though - what % of net income is 'reasonable'...?

If I'm honest, I'm probably floating somewhere around 5% of net income per month.

It will vary per person/couple...If it is causing some concern with your wife, you might want to discuss it with her to find out what she's comfortable with. Sounds like she's ok with it all to be honest...but I think setting a budget (monthly or yearly) will be good...you can also do the same for her..like a handbag or shoe budget or something..

Setting a budget might be good for you personally. It becomes an addiction as powerful as alcoholism itself wanting to get some wine or the other in decent quantities because it has been praised or is a must-get or whatever. I have a problem in having more wine than I can drink comfortably but finding it painful letting a special deal go by without jumping in.

VINH NGUYEN wrote:

AaronL wrote:It's a tough question. My wife said that if I didn't stop buying wine, that she is going to leave me........ I'm going to miss her

A man after my own heart, we got our priorties right

Reminds me of the old WC Field quote:

"It was a woman who drove me to drink... I never did thank her"

'It's an investment' worked for a number of years. Then Mrs C
spotted I never sold any.......

I dont have a boss. I am the boss. I am single! I can spend as much as I want. hehe
Just mention Len Evans Theory of capacity, and he mentions how much you should spend on wine.........

"What part is wine of your life? Ten per centum? Then ten per centum of your income should be spent on wine".

It's an interesting topic. Certainly you shouldn't be lying to her. If you need to lie to your wide you either need to get a new hobby or a new wife!

5% of your income seems very reasonable if the other 95% leaves you able to meet all expenses and save some. I certainly spend more than that on my hobbies.

It does make it a bit trickier if she dos not have a hobby and feels like she is 'missing out' but relationships shouldn't necessarily be about 'tit for tat' in spending or anything else. I have known people to go down that path and get in trouble because they figure they can spend anything they want as long as the other half can too. Can lead to very significant over expenditure.

Presumably you married this woman because she is nice and you trust each other and want each other to be happy. Discuss with her that this makes you happy, set a reasonable budget and repay her trust by sticking to it. You should have good drinking for many years to come.

VINH NGUYEN wrote:

AaronL wrote:It's a tough question. My wife said that if I didn't stop buying wine, that she is going to leave me........ I'm going to miss her

A man after my own heart, we got our priorties right

God my biggest concern with this strategy is that she will claim half the cellar. I have had more than one friend in tears after his wife took half the cellar.

The fact is my collecting has been out of control for years/decades now. Overall the cellar is close to 2000 bottles but still has major gaps, burgundy, Spanish, riesling, reducing Italian stock and more riesling. However I do not buy new porsches or boats. So friends of my lose tens of thousands in depreciation every year on their new toys such as flash cars, we still drive around town in a 15 year old Rangie. At the end of the day it all comes down to priorities. I'd rather spend $10k or more a year on wine than lose that amount on depreciation driving around in a new car.

rooman wrote:Overall the cellar is close to 2000 bottles but still has major gaps, burgundy, Spanish, riesling, reducing Italian stock and more riesling.

Wow! Nice collection! And here I am getting my balls busted over 150 bottles!

I can see though how 150 can become 2,000!

Diddy wrote:

rooman wrote:Overall the cellar is close to 2000 bottles but still has major gaps, burgundy, Spanish, riesling, reducing Italian stock and more riesling.

Wow! Nice collection! And here I am getting my balls busted over 150 bottles!

I can see though how 150 can become 2,000!

I have always found the line - "well at least we're not losing $10,000 a year on depreciation on the new car" a perfect get out of jail card. As a side note, unless your wife is Gail Kelly bringing home $5m a year whilst you lie around the pool, I would lay down some solid rules of engagement now! One of which should be. I work hard and wine collecting is my hobby - no excuses required.

Its really only a problem when it gets to the size of one collector who was sitting next to me one night at a wine dinner who said he thought he cellar was worth around $1m and he had yet to buy a house. Now that's a problem!!!

rooman wrote:

Diddy wrote:

rooman wrote:Overall the cellar is close to 2000 bottles but still has major gaps, burgundy, Spanish, riesling, reducing Italian stock and more riesling.

Wow! Nice collection! And here I am getting my balls busted over 150 bottles!

I can see though how 150 can become 2,000!

I have always found the line - "well at least we're not losing $10,000 a year on depreciation on the new car" a perfect get out of jail card. As a side note, unless your wife is Gail Kelly bringing home $5m a year whilst you lie around the pool, I would lay down some solid rules of engagement now! One of which should be. I work hard and wine collecting is my hobby - no excuses required.

Its really only a problem when it gets to the size of one collector who was sitting next to me one night at a wine dinner who said he thought he cellar was worth around $1m and he had yet to buy a house. Now that's a problem!!!

Dunno. Bordeaux until recently and Burgundy en primeur would be a healthy capital investment. Some difficulty to transport (although better than property) but very easy to liquidate